By Randi Locke, Northend Agent’s
My personal essay on why I can’t forget how people treat me
Two years ago I began my healing journey after being fired from my first position as a licensed cosmetologist. That is a decision that has saved me. At the time I felt like my life was over. If it was not for returning to therapy and eventually getting back on anti-depressants, I do not know where I would be. I am now a better communicator and more optimistic about the future than I have been in years. While going on this healing journey has helped me evolve, it has also made me seek comeuppance for all I went through. As mentioned earlier my healing journey started because I was fired. But, I was fired in a way that was humiliating. Recently this incident and all others where I was mistreated and in some cases dehumanized, are sitting on the surface of my conscience like a buoy. This part of my healing journey has forced me to sit with parts of myself that I don’t like. Like the part where I can now admit that maybe I might have felt better if I had seen these people experience the feelings they have left me with.
Now I cannot pinpoint when exactly these old incidents came back up, however I do know that it was around the time I became a mom. When I became a mom, it became paramount that my progress needs to be reflected in how I move throughout my life. Though it has not been easy, I am grateful that I now possess the tools to work through problems that would have continued to torment me. While I am grateful for my improvement, it still makes me sad wondering what could’ve been if I had started this sooner. I think: “If I was able to express my feelings, would I have continued to get verbally abused by this person?“ or “If I had confronted that person who continued to undermine me sooner, would I still feel bitter towards them nearly 8 years later?” Though these thoughts are common trauma responses according to The National Library of Medicine it still can’t surmise the weight that these thoughts possess. Because this is not just rehashing painful memories but it also is making me reckon with the fact I may not be as healed as I thought.
I have always tried to take the high road. Whether it is not sending a scathing email or bringing hurtful information to light, I believed that returning the same hurtful behavior will only make things worse. While I initially thought that this was because I am a good person, I can now admit that it was in hopes that their actions will come back to them. But life has had a not so funny way of allowing me to see that karma has not even grazed some of them. Thanks to mutuals on social media or just by chance, it appears that how they treated others has had no impact on them. I say “appears” because I am aware that no one’s life deserves to be surmised off of surface interactions. This doesn’t make the pain go away though. In fact it makes it more apparent that the trauma they caused me didn’t matter. Which suggests that they did not think that I mattered as a person, thus getting to the root of why all this pain is resurfacing: am I even worthy enough for basic decency?
Even during the times where I was barely treated like a human by those that hurt me I tried to show them some level of respect. Yet when I look back on those moments that’s the most painful part, that I gave them the consideration that they wouldn’t give me. That is what started my healing journey in the first place. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t worth anything and these memories just put me back in that space. Even after going through two years of therapy and having a community that loves and values me for who I am; It doesn’t take away the degrading insults, the arrogant looks I received while I was visibly struggling, and the fact that they would never see me as anything but worthless. I know I can never get an apology from all those who hurt me or see where they are now, but I wish I could get a chance to fully close the door of that painful chapter. Truthfully, making them feel how I did would not solve anything. It would provide temporary satisfaction but it wouldn’t make me feel like I matter. It would provide a sense of justice but it will not contribute to becoming a better person. No matter how much anger I feel or how much I could justify holding on to these painful memories, I can never erase those experiences.
Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-in-gray-sweater-massaging-her-headache-6603139/
